Forgive Me
by Tsukasa Kizuna
Summary: Kaname Tousen's final moments. Angst.
1. Tōsen  The End

To those waiting for an update on my other fics, I'm truly sorry. I've been feeling pretty crap lately and tried working on Shinrai. However, the chapter didn't come out as I wanted it to, so I decided to just write this to get it out my system and go back and give that chapter the atmosphere I want for it (trust me, it's depressive and dark, not what I want it to be at _all_). Oh yeah - I lost a lot of the documents in my computer... again.  
>I also started wanting to call this 'Forgive Me'. It seems like a lame title to me now, but I honestly can't think of anything better. My motivation and inspiration have left me... again...<p>

When reading this, bear in mind that Tōsen is scared of dying.

**Note:** This is a slight AU - Tōsen still defected with Aizen, however he is meeting his end outside of the storyline.

As always (why do we even bother putting this in - everyone must know), I don't own the characters in this fic, just the storyline.

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><p><strong>Forgive Me...<strong>

**...**

How did it come to this?

This warmth... my own blood… my own life seeping from my veins. I never realised before just now warm it felt. I feel like it should feel colder. Is that why I'm growing cold? My own warmth is leaving me?

I don't like this. I don't want this. I want it to stop. Please… someone… somehow… Let me hold this warmth in my veins just a little longer. I don't want to become nothing.

This is what I've always feared, isn't it – dying a pointless death. But it's not pointless. I lived by my own principles of justice. I was true to my cause, and I…

…this isn't working. This isn't what I wanted. This isn't how it should end. There's something more I need. I don't feel complete. I haven't done what I wanted to do… But I'm not even sure what that is any more. Why does everything I've lived for seem so pointless and insignificant now? I chose this life for a reason; I've walked this path to serve a purpose. I should be at peace. I should die in a dignified manner. But these thoughts… these thoughts I so badly don't want to face are too much. What would she say if she could see me now? Would she be proud? No, she wouldn't. That thought cuts too deep and… am I crying? This is so demeaning and undignified. This is not what I want.

I wonder what they would say if they could see me now. If she could see me… If Komamaru and Shūhei could see me…

Why does it matter? Why do I even care? I shouldn't care. They're probably here anyway, gloating and mocking and laughing at my pitiful demise. Yet why does that thought hurt so much?

I can't sense anything beyond the limits of my own skin. It's terrifying how small the world has become. I don't like it like this. It's too… lonely

I don't know who I am any more. I don't know what I am any more. How could I have ended up like this? When did I get so lost on my own path I forgot myself? And I'm still so scared… so scared of dying. I can feel my wounded pulse fading, the warmth still flowing from me. I'm about to become nothing. I'm about to come even more insignificant.

Will they miss me? Komamaru… Shūhei…

I've hurt them. I've hurt them more than I'm hurting myself. I never realised. I couldn't imagine. But now… now I'm sorry. I hate being sorry, but there's nothing else I can be. I'll never get the chance again. Regret is a horrible thing to be consumed by… to die with. I wasn't insignificant to them. Why did no one say anything to me? But then again, would I have believed them?

This is painful. This is too much. I don't think I can bear the burden of this fear and pain any longer. But I don't want it to be over. I don't want to be dead. There's nothing more insignificant in the world than being dead. And it hurts that I didn't realise that before, when I could reach out and hold onto something in life. But I pushed that away. I pushed myself away.

I'm still paralysed with fear. I can feel tears falling from my sightless eyes, and I wonder how much blood there is left to flow out of me.


	2. Shūhei: Last Words

Shūhei's POV

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><p>...<p>

He watched the body of the dying man, face paralysed watching a process he'd seen countless times before. But this time was different. His heart was tearing as he stared at the fading man. His chest had been punctured and part of his neck torn, as well as several other wound which seemed insignificant in light of the other two. Blood flowed openly from the two great wounds, life draining away with them. But what hurt Shūhei the most wasn't the physical pain the man was clearly enduring – it was the aura of fear and abject misery surrounding him. He seemed so pitiful lying in a growing pool of his own blood, alone and afraid in his final moments. As tears began to roll from his sightless eyes, Shūhei felt the overwhelming desire to reach out to the man.

"Don't," a warning voice barked. He held back, eyes still caught on the dying man.

And then he began to sob. There was nothing more pitiful and heartbreaking in the world than seeing a man so close to death yet so afraid of dying. Ignoring the word of warning from his companion, Shūhei swiftly move and knelt, reaching for the broken man.

No matter what, he was still human. No matter what, Shūhei still held him dearly in his heart, despite all he had done. He felt so compelled to reach out to the man to try and ease his pain and misery that no consequences could hold him back from giving any comfort and compassion he could possibly offer. His own tears silently formed and slid down his cheeks as his hand found the other's. Taking it firmly in his own, he brought it up to the man's chest, his other brushing gently over the braided hair and he leant forward and whispered in the man's ear. A tremor of shock rippled through the man as he reacted to Shūhei's voice, his tears flowing faster for a second before abating slightly. And still he kept whispering those words into his ear.

"Shh. I'm here, Taicho, I'm here. It's okay…"

He hoped desperately that, in his final moments, Tōsen realised he had forgiven him.

...

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><p>So there is more... I didn't end it here (although I could have). I'm going to set this as complete for now, though, until I have enough formatted to upload.<p> 


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